Neo Sol Librarian

Through this journey of reading, writing and finding my own voice in writing, an unexpected question has repeatedly entered into my thoughts.  Why are am I trans?  For many the answer is simple: because I am. And this is a valid answer. A part of being trans is allowing the world to see you in a truer form than what societal standards allow. But for me (and speaking only for me. Transpeople aren't a monolith), being trans was a way for me to always stay grounded in my butch self.  My butch self started materializing in college. I remember taking my first trip to the local Wal-Mart with my own money in my pocket. I left with a standard dyke getup: cargo shorts and a flannel zip-up. I felt like hot shit.  Going to an all-women's college did nothing but boost my ego, something I was fortunate to experience. I could swagger across campus, dripping in masculine energy, and people would respond. Ladies would respond. All kinds of ladies. A reaction I never got as I was kno...

               The Lunar Eclipse is the unpopular sister of Solar Eclipses. They come around way too often like that one family member that doesn’t know how to go home. So naturally, I never sought them out, only crowding around with the masses during the more popular Solar Eclipses. But since I’ve been writing sci-fi again, I’ve fallen back into an old love of space. Consuming short stories on Clarkesworld . Getting updates on today’s space race on Space.com . And a lot of looking up at the sky at night trying to catch the ISS going by . It’s funny, as we get older if an interest doesn’t make you money, we are encouraged to disregard hobbies and interest so easily. Leave it behind like bad relationships. But I used to love looking at the potential of what is beyond Earth. I even had a telescope I never learned to use correctly. But the desire was there. And when I did get creative enough to write, the content was based on different otherwo...

It's been a year since resigning from the library. It nearly took me that long to get it to stick that I resigned and didn't quit. It may not have been pretty or what is deemed "professional", but I'm better for it.  I miss the library, but I don't miss how working at the library made me feel. I think of program ideas and different ways of serving library members all the time. Testing TikTok hacks. Tutorials on Kindle Direct Publishing. Resume Writing in a Gig Economy. I don't know when I will stop mentally formulating potential library programs. Maybe it will come to some use later. Who knows.  But there is still apparent hurt there. I nearly had a panic attack voting because it was at a local library. I couldn't brave my old library which is much closer. I'm embarrassed I didn't leave more on my terms. My co-workers deserved that. But sometimes what is needed can't be done the "right way".  I still feel guilty, leaving my co-wor...

Dad and I been talking about cryptocurrency a lot. We hold opposing views on the matter, but the only argument I could come up with in the moment was that it seems sketch (which is about the equivalent to his "I'm gonna figure it out" response for starting).  But I think I do have thoughts on it. Thoughts I don't know what do do with, but I still find important to note. I may not be a crypto owner, but I'm a Black trans dude in America, so anybody with money and power impacts my life in some way.   For crypto to work, there must be a class of "way less than". A populace that will perpetually live without a need met. The markets fluctuate and rigging the system is comprehensible and replicable. People like you and me have to put money in these markets to work. But only a few know how to work this market. But isn't this just as bad as the current stock market? The idea of having a decentralized monetary system that can be a kind of backup system to the...

Still writing this way. If you want a life update, I did very convoluted update post here . But I wanted to share this Medium post I wrote. Hope get something out of it. Cheers! Mustard Seed of Niche And no, I’m not religious. While Christianity is deep seeded within American society, I do not claim any religion as my own. I’m more of a “Commune with Nature” kind of guy. Like most new writers, I’m still discovering what my niche is. I have many interest. Sometimes I can be flighty. But I’m recognizing what has stuck around all my life and have an urge to add more energy, time and resources into those things. One of the things has been writing. Like a lot of us, writing has been a form of expression. A way to communicate to others ideas, concepts and narratives. And in the process of trying to convey my own ideas, concepts and narratives, I realized that I was just writing to see what stuck. The intent was to get read by as many people as possible. I’m realizing now that writing to just...

 For some reason it has been bugging me to do this. I don't know why. Maybe it's to say to myself that I'm still trying. Maybe, in some way, I feel obligated to the people that helped me along my librarianship life. Or maybe it's for the people being nosy.  But I'm doing a life update. If for nothing else, to note that I'm still existing, which I thought I wouldn't be if I left my job.  - I'm still writing: It hasn't been the easiest thing. Some days are a wash. No progress towards anything. But I'm still curious. I look at things differently.  And because of this, I feel a lot more present in life. I didn't know how much of a no-participant in life I'd become.  - Failure, but not crippling: There have been many failures thus far. And I say failures, because when I compare it to what I think is expected of me, it's a failure. Failed career. Failed interviews. AND failed personal expectations. And even as I write these successions of f...