Life is changing for me. In a wild and crazy way. I guess I am just realizing how much my life will change through my transition. Everything is so uncertian right now. I don't know who is going to still be here at the end of this process. Will I be able to find a job as a librarian? Will my parents want to see the end result?Will my chosen family still be here? How will I walk into a funeral of a family member? I've been contemplating this and doing some self reflection around this matter. Then I realize that even if I had the best librarian job, my parents became accepting of the fact that I once before identified as a lesbian, that I could not offend anyone that came in contact with me, would I really be happy? Basically what I am asking is, can I go back? Can I go back to being a stud. Can I be a masculine woman and come to terms with that?
Through my process, I have not only worked towards transitioning my body, but also my mind as well. Self revelation is a mutha*****. Especially when you haven't done it for some time. You begin to find out things about yourself that you believed were forgotten, lost, dead, or swept away. And through these discoveries, you change. You can't help but to. Change is a certian part of life. Even if its is just physical with some people. You aren't the same person now as you were when you were 4, 16, 23, 45, 67, 82. They are all completely different people.
I came out to my mom as trans yesterday. She brought up the fact that I had told her a long time ago that I didn't feel like a man and that I wasn't transgender. Of course this was when I was in high school and really didn't know what transgender meant. I kept trying to tell her that people change. But she wasn't getting it. Then I began to wonder, do people really look to change? Do they expect it at all? I believe that most people in this culture wish to achieve a plateau in their life. I think most people have the misconception that ultimate happiness is achieved when the right amount of chanages are made and when the changes statisfies everyone then everyone is at peace and happy.
A librarian once told me that the library is always changing to match the needs of the community. Because the needs of the people change, so does the library. The library no longer has card catalogs because we have moved into a technology era. Libraries have meeting rooms and audio visual equipment because the community posed a need for this type of service. And if a library fails to meet the need of the community, it will soon be seen as inusable and discontinued. I like to think that change in people is like this. Certian things happen outwardly that causes you to have a need. Now you can either address the need and notice the need being filled or you can not address the need and see how many people hold you as non relevant.
I've often heard people speak of trans people that are responding to society. "If you grew up in a society that accepted that you were a man with your anatomy would you be trans?" I don't have an answer for that. But if a person never told you that you were being selfish, an asshole, inconsistant, self-centered, bigoted, etc would you change? I believe as humans, we respond to what society thinks of us. I think the healthy avenue that one should take when assessing how society views you is whether or not you are willing to go through the change. Because change requires work. And with change is an end result that is different than what you had in the beginning. And with your change, you change other people. People will interact with you differently simply because you changed. And because change requires YOU do work, it is now a matter that is internalized for what you believe is the betterment of yourself and not others.
I believe in reincarnation. I believe there are certian lessons and values that God WANTS us to learn. You don't just get one chance and if you don't get it then you are damned to hell. God put WAY too much work into us for us to burn in a hell. (Besides, I believe that people make and have thier own hell right here on earth. And at times, a fiery pit sounds better than what most people go through in thier lifetime). The reason I'm saying this is that I believe that transgendered people are end results of a reincarnation. We become a different person with the same essenses, but here to learn new lessons and values as a new person. I think that we are a living represenation of this process.
Through my process, I have not only worked towards transitioning my body, but also my mind as well. Self revelation is a mutha*****. Especially when you haven't done it for some time. You begin to find out things about yourself that you believed were forgotten, lost, dead, or swept away. And through these discoveries, you change. You can't help but to. Change is a certian part of life. Even if its is just physical with some people. You aren't the same person now as you were when you were 4, 16, 23, 45, 67, 82. They are all completely different people.
I came out to my mom as trans yesterday. She brought up the fact that I had told her a long time ago that I didn't feel like a man and that I wasn't transgender. Of course this was when I was in high school and really didn't know what transgender meant. I kept trying to tell her that people change. But she wasn't getting it. Then I began to wonder, do people really look to change? Do they expect it at all? I believe that most people in this culture wish to achieve a plateau in their life. I think most people have the misconception that ultimate happiness is achieved when the right amount of chanages are made and when the changes statisfies everyone then everyone is at peace and happy.
A librarian once told me that the library is always changing to match the needs of the community. Because the needs of the people change, so does the library. The library no longer has card catalogs because we have moved into a technology era. Libraries have meeting rooms and audio visual equipment because the community posed a need for this type of service. And if a library fails to meet the need of the community, it will soon be seen as inusable and discontinued. I like to think that change in people is like this. Certian things happen outwardly that causes you to have a need. Now you can either address the need and notice the need being filled or you can not address the need and see how many people hold you as non relevant.
I've often heard people speak of trans people that are responding to society. "If you grew up in a society that accepted that you were a man with your anatomy would you be trans?" I don't have an answer for that. But if a person never told you that you were being selfish, an asshole, inconsistant, self-centered, bigoted, etc would you change? I believe as humans, we respond to what society thinks of us. I think the healthy avenue that one should take when assessing how society views you is whether or not you are willing to go through the change. Because change requires work. And with change is an end result that is different than what you had in the beginning. And with your change, you change other people. People will interact with you differently simply because you changed. And because change requires YOU do work, it is now a matter that is internalized for what you believe is the betterment of yourself and not others.
I believe in reincarnation. I believe there are certian lessons and values that God WANTS us to learn. You don't just get one chance and if you don't get it then you are damned to hell. God put WAY too much work into us for us to burn in a hell. (Besides, I believe that people make and have thier own hell right here on earth. And at times, a fiery pit sounds better than what most people go through in thier lifetime). The reason I'm saying this is that I believe that transgendered people are end results of a reincarnation. We become a different person with the same essenses, but here to learn new lessons and values as a new person. I think that we are a living represenation of this process.
In a different way, I know what you are talking about. Sometimes I can't tell if I am just responding to a particular environment or this is really me. The line between reality and my adaption to situations is very blurry. (I doubt this makes sense) I definitely feel this post.
ReplyDeleteI will be there :) (provided you don't do some crazy shit like become a serial murderer) I am rooting for you!
Wow! As I watch your journey from the outside- I am inspired by your acts of courage. This past weekend I saw you step up at every opportunity to share with people who you are and are transforming to become. You have now opened a door to your mother's journey, I hope she will learn how to be as bold and courageous as her son. Thank you for sharing your spirit with me. You are teaching me about a different kind of black manhood- a kind that I had lost hope in. Thank you for letting your light shine- by being you, you bring light to dark places.
ReplyDeletel.b: You make perfect sense homie. It is a thin line between adapting and realizing what your true idenity is. You let me know when you come to the conclusion of what that line is. And I know you will be there homie. And I am watching your blog too. I SEE YOU!!!
ReplyDelete32FlavoursOfHumanity:*smiling really big* Thanks sis. I'm really not trying to be bold. I want to live. I don't want to just exist in this life. I've done that for far too long. Happy you are seeing a different side of black manhood.