I get told this all the time. "You are so sweet", "You have a sweet spirit" Not that I'm bragging or anything. Sometimes I wish I could look "hard". And look "hard" at the library. LIKE THE LIBRARY G THAT I AM!!! But I don't. I can't help it. I have a sweet spirit. But let me be honest, I do at times equate "sweet" to being an 8 year old girl. That I can't deny and it frustrates the piss out of me. It's not like I want to be an asshole, but I don't want to be seen as an 8 year old little girl either. But I had an interaction with a man today that changed how I look at this. And what's even better, we have the same birthday. SCORPIOS IN THE HOUSE!!!! WHAT?!
The guy was from an extended stay mental hospital. I was helping him find an author in the collection on the computer. Gave him the location of the material and sent him on his way. He came back up to the desk and said, "I found those books" and gave me a thumbs up. Now being a librarian, looking up books comes with the service. We don't expect to be congratulated for doing our job. But it was nice he appreciated what I had helped him do (I mean he did most of the work). Anyways, this dude came back up to the front desk and wanted to get a card made. After spilling all his change onto the desk trying to get to his license, I was able to see that we had the same birthday (of course his was almost 20 years before my year of birith). When I told him that we had the same birthday, he instantly lit up. And because I'm the goof I am, I lit up too. Besides, you don't meet Oct 24th people that often. He went to collect the books he wanted to check out and in line, he told me I was sweet. As I said before, I don't like being called sweet just as much as I don't like being called "ma'am". No. Ma'am is much worst than sweet. But it still irritates me. So I smiled, shrugged my shoulders all the while, in my head, cursing in my head. Not at him, of course, but at myself for NEVER speaking up. I'm working on it, but still having some difficulty. Anyway, the guy asked me my name. I told him my name and that it was Swahili. Then he asked me, "Where's Swahili?" Now this hasn't been the first time that I have been asked this. And any other time, I would have been first offended and the second, beligerently upset. But this time I didn't. They guy was very genuine about his question. It wasn't like he was asking to see if it really exisited, but he was asking as though he believed my name was Swahili and wanted to know where it was. His inquiry wasn't a challenge to me, and that is when it hit me with not only being called "sweet" but what I don't like about questions being asked of me and my transition.
First the sweet comment: I think it's honestly people don't know what else to say. I think words like "sincere" "humble" "genuine" are words that most people believe are too over the top in simple communication, so people don't use them. I think the word "sweet" has been so diluted in the English southtern language that it really doesn't have meaning anymore, but instead it is used to tell someone that I have a positive feeling about you. So now I have changed the way interpret when people say that I'm sweet/have a sweet spirit. They have a good feeling about me and they may not know how or feel comfortable yet expressing it to me. This may sound arrogant and I'm really not trying to me. Just my opinion.
Second: Something that I have to keep telling myself. PEOPLE DON'T KNOW YOU ARE A MAN!!!! And most of the time it's not thier fault. It's not like people asked to be put into gender constructs. But because people that are in gender constructs, they go with what they believe is safe in most cases, not what they believe is right. Like the guy who called me sweet. I wear a button down, slacks, 2 binders, and hair pulled back. According to societal norms, I don't look like your average...anything really. But because he interpreted the best way he knew how and got women, he said I was sweet (I believe. I could be totally off with this, and if I am, this blog was a total waste of my time and your time if you have gotten this far. I can't do refunds for time lost. Just a disclaimer). Then I got to wondering how people will interpret my "sweet" spirit as I become more masculine in my body, face, and voice. Will people still label me as "sweet"? Or will it be something else? Or will people label my "sweet" spirit as something else and I dislike that even more? I often think about how differently I will be viewed by people when I begin to develop masculine attributes, especially in the library setting. And that is one thing that I like about the library. You get very raw responses of what your impression is on other people. It's not really censored because unless you are regular, you won't be seeing this person the next day and have to develop a relationship with this person. People treat you with the rawest feelings they have about you. It's interesting what people think of me with a simple check out transatction. If most people at the library kept their very raw feelings about me, I'm one of the most pleasant people that they will interact in a day. Why? Because I'm sweet.
The guy was from an extended stay mental hospital. I was helping him find an author in the collection on the computer. Gave him the location of the material and sent him on his way. He came back up to the desk and said, "I found those books" and gave me a thumbs up. Now being a librarian, looking up books comes with the service. We don't expect to be congratulated for doing our job. But it was nice he appreciated what I had helped him do (I mean he did most of the work). Anyways, this dude came back up to the front desk and wanted to get a card made. After spilling all his change onto the desk trying to get to his license, I was able to see that we had the same birthday (of course his was almost 20 years before my year of birith). When I told him that we had the same birthday, he instantly lit up. And because I'm the goof I am, I lit up too. Besides, you don't meet Oct 24th people that often. He went to collect the books he wanted to check out and in line, he told me I was sweet. As I said before, I don't like being called sweet just as much as I don't like being called "ma'am". No. Ma'am is much worst than sweet. But it still irritates me. So I smiled, shrugged my shoulders all the while, in my head, cursing in my head. Not at him, of course, but at myself for NEVER speaking up. I'm working on it, but still having some difficulty. Anyway, the guy asked me my name. I told him my name and that it was Swahili. Then he asked me, "Where's Swahili?" Now this hasn't been the first time that I have been asked this. And any other time, I would have been first offended and the second, beligerently upset. But this time I didn't. They guy was very genuine about his question. It wasn't like he was asking to see if it really exisited, but he was asking as though he believed my name was Swahili and wanted to know where it was. His inquiry wasn't a challenge to me, and that is when it hit me with not only being called "sweet" but what I don't like about questions being asked of me and my transition.
First the sweet comment: I think it's honestly people don't know what else to say. I think words like "sincere" "humble" "genuine" are words that most people believe are too over the top in simple communication, so people don't use them. I think the word "sweet" has been so diluted in the English southtern language that it really doesn't have meaning anymore, but instead it is used to tell someone that I have a positive feeling about you. So now I have changed the way interpret when people say that I'm sweet/have a sweet spirit. They have a good feeling about me and they may not know how or feel comfortable yet expressing it to me. This may sound arrogant and I'm really not trying to me. Just my opinion.
Second: Something that I have to keep telling myself. PEOPLE DON'T KNOW YOU ARE A MAN!!!! And most of the time it's not thier fault. It's not like people asked to be put into gender constructs. But because people that are in gender constructs, they go with what they believe is safe in most cases, not what they believe is right. Like the guy who called me sweet. I wear a button down, slacks, 2 binders, and hair pulled back. According to societal norms, I don't look like your average...anything really. But because he interpreted the best way he knew how and got women, he said I was sweet (I believe. I could be totally off with this, and if I am, this blog was a total waste of my time and your time if you have gotten this far. I can't do refunds for time lost. Just a disclaimer). Then I got to wondering how people will interpret my "sweet" spirit as I become more masculine in my body, face, and voice. Will people still label me as "sweet"? Or will it be something else? Or will people label my "sweet" spirit as something else and I dislike that even more? I often think about how differently I will be viewed by people when I begin to develop masculine attributes, especially in the library setting. And that is one thing that I like about the library. You get very raw responses of what your impression is on other people. It's not really censored because unless you are regular, you won't be seeing this person the next day and have to develop a relationship with this person. People treat you with the rawest feelings they have about you. It's interesting what people think of me with a simple check out transatction. If most people at the library kept their very raw feelings about me, I'm one of the most pleasant people that they will interact in a day. Why? Because I'm sweet.
YOU ARE A G! WHAT!?!! DO SOMETHING.
ReplyDeleteI'll always be your hype man :)
Remember I told you in the bakery that I think you have a trustworthy aura about you? I think may be some of that too. People seem to trust you. And I just look like a cad. hahahaha Just kidding.
I miss you, dude!
Yeah I can see that l.b. Ok. (nodding head). I do remember you telling me that. lol @ looking like a cad. Who says that?!
ReplyDeleteI miss you too homie. Real talk
You are sweet. You have an amazing spirit & a presence about you. I'm always glad to hear & read about positive perspective on the way yoooooou view the world. Seems hispanic people are very receptive to you
ReplyDelete