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Fear Monger

 Anyone else living in a fear ridden state of mind? I know I am. I mean, being black and trans, safety is always at the forefront of my mind. People are crazy and folks should really protect their personhood either way, but especially their physical selves. Can't be putting your energy to everything and everyone. Anyway, while reminders of safety are always present for me, lately it's been skating on fear, which is really different from safety. 

Safety implies that I know what the dangers are and have a plan for these dangers. Fear is raw emotion that can be irrational, at times. But unfortunately, I don't see my fear as irrational and not a doctor could tell me differently. Fear of being gunned down in the street by rabid police is real. Fear of not coming home due to people in power not seeing your personhood as worthwhile and unworthy of being found. 

And when you look out into the world to see if there is anything that can give you any symbolism of inspiration and hope, the world is still hurting, with more hurt on the way. I find myself retreating into my own space, even while at home. Even my physical poster changes to a sitting hunched back, leaning against the wall, trying to find somewhere to feel safe. 

And I wonder "Am I doing this to myself?" No, I don't think I am causing my own need to feel safe. I'm not scaring myself to the point of fear. No, there are things to have caution because they can cause harm. So yes, there is reason for fear. But living in fear is...I don't know, something that is not serving me right now. 

What I am finding is that the fear, while isolated around one part of life (ie: police, living as trans, being black, etc) is starting to seep into other areas of my life. The fear, while attached to one act/person/or thing, is ever present and influences those decisions. For example:

I've been withdrawn at work, which is to be expected. We are in the middle of a pandemic and everyone is being expected to operate like things are going to get back to normal any minute now. But either way, while I know I've been withdrawn, I'm honestly afraid to speak to anyone about things that are important to me because of fear of being further isolated and further out of the realm of safety. 

But am I giving myself a false sense of safety? Am I aiding in the diminisihing of my own voice? Is my voice my safety?


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