Blog Post for Library and reflection

This space is a chronological life order of thoughts and feelings from my perspective. But my perspective gives me a unique lens to see and process experiences and thoughts about things outside myself. 

I wrote a blog post for the library I work for (link below). And while this isn't the exact goal I set out to accomplish, I did accomplish some personal goals that happen to be work related (which is really satisfying, shockingly enough. Work is work and personal is separate of that is what I have experienced and what others have advised me to experience work). But my personal goals for the last two months have been to:

1) Try breaking down a story idea into interchangeable notecards

2) Find another writing opportunity

3) Question: What can I write at length about. 

And honestly, I've really accomplished may 2.5 items on this list in the last two months. But let me focus on the second one for right now. 

After submitting a piece for The Root competition, I decided to search for more opportunities to write, with the intention of winning publication. And while deep down, I knew that The Root competition was a slim chance of winning, I enjoyed the experience of the challenge. From the initial outline (which was completely different to the story I submitted) to the revisions, the nixing of an entire initial scene to save on word count. To have a finished product in front of me that I created and was proud of was something that I needed. And it was something that my therapist and I discussed I needed a while back, but I wasn't at a point in my life where I even felt like I deserved to have any validation outside of work.

I put so much of my identity of being a librarian that I often lose sight of who I am as a person. Librarians are seen as protectors of information, always the authority on a subject, and wardens of the physical space of the library. But aren't we more than our work? Aren't we complex and grow, change and discover further needs as we go along? For a long time, my self worth was wrapped up in the performance and experiences I had at the library. And while I'm in a state of recovery, I always can't discern when I am doing something because I truly want to, or if I am doing it to fawn and appease others?

Writing has been helping me find myself again. It has become a place of not only reflection but dreaming, planning and working through past, present and potential emotions. Some people find actions and ways of living that make them feel confident and self assured in their capabilities to accomplish goals and set intention. Writing has been that for me. Writing has allowed me to show up in my Black, queer, trans, hard of hearing self and be. And if I feel judgement in these moments of writing, I know it is just me that is doing that. But when I feel moments of elation, excitement or drive I know that is also me and I can continue to work  and think of methods to get even closer to those moments and experience them more often. 

So when the library decided to invite staff to write for the library blog, I immediately shut it down as a possibility. Why would I blend the one thing that is keeping me a whole person with the one aspect in my life that makes me feel fractured and disjointed within myself? Why would I mix the aspect of my life that has given me the power to possess and create my own joy with the aspect of my life that has done nearly the opposite?  

And then I remembered goal number 2 (it's written on a sticky note on my laptop, right under where my right hand rest). 2) Find another writing opportunity. And beside it, I had also written "no concessions". I'm not really sure why I initially wrote the addemenum to point 2. Maybe I was feeling trapped in what I was saw being available in the form of competition writing at the time. Maybe I was felt self conscious and overwhelmed by the process of submitting a piece (some require fees which always sends me into a tailspin of finality in ultimate defeat). Either way, I saw this reminder. And I didn't stop thinking about point number 2 until I had written a piece for the library blog. 

So why did I decide to write for the library after feeling like I had given everything I already had? I believe I did it because it was MY personal goal to find another writing opportunity. It wasn't a task given to me, I had given myself this task of finding other writing gigs. The goal created after self reflection on what will make me feel whole within myself and my capabilities? And because I've been writing again, I felt at least capable of outlining and then writing a piece on something related to the library, even if it wasn't directly related to me. And was this not an opportunity to write? Hell, I was being paid (in a sense) to write. 

I think what shifted my mental about writing for the library was that I was setting out to accomplish this goal because it was mine. And I think I would have felt negatively about myself if I didn't take this opportunity. And though the opportunity is small in the eyes of people looking in (I mean, I have one post in a sea of other library staff posts), it represents a moment where I made a decision for myself based solely in my "passion goals" of writing. And it was writing that was outside of myself, but using my unique lens. And what is even crazier is that, just like with submitting The Root creative submission, I felt like I had won by just getting it submitted. It was a bonus that I got on the site. The confidence and how I saw myself in a positive light boosted when I hit the submit button, not when it got published. That self validation is what I want to continue to seek in life. And I wouldn't have this firm desire to continue to seek self validation if I hadn't specifically submitted to the library blog. 

So without further ado. Here are is the link to the article:

https://cmlibrary.org/blog/what-renaming-southpark-regional-means-me

But you know it was edited, which I understand. The article is being hosted on an organization's website which is not my own. But for me, I can post the original here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1arxn_LBzwuBDJyXW2Ql2qj_--pbeNyg-LaA11CNkDQI/edit?usp=sharing

PS. Looking back at it, I even hit up goals 1 and 3 while in the process of accomplishing 2. I did break down my piece into "virtual" notecards, aka bulleted points to carry over into the blog. And for number 3, I CAN write about things that are outside of myself, which makes me feel more connected some way to the world and the many experiences we have a human species. I don't know, even reflecting on this now makes me feel more connected to others even as the world tells me that I am separate and unworthy of connection.