Holy Fuck, I'm an Assimilationist- personal reflection on Stamped from the Beginning

Note: This is a way later post, unedited, but this book has really stuck with me. My initial thoughts on it. Cheers!    

 Have you ever read something that made you have a little more understanding about who you are? Or read something that has resonated with you? I'm having all these experiences and more while reading "Stamped from the Beginning: A Definitive History on Racist Ideas in America" by Ibram X. Kendi. And quite honestly, a Dr. needs to be behind his name to attest to the knowledge and research that he has done in the area of race. And the Dr. is just for the folks that have to live by these social rank markers. The book is, as you guessed it, about race and it's ever evolving history, specifically in the United States. 

    This book is not only helping me relearn our American History with the rose-colored shades off, but I am also finding myself having to unlearn racist ideas that I have of my own. 

    I'm learning (really relearning) this term "assimilationist". An assimilationist is essentially who sees the benefits of being a part of a larger, dominating culture. So for instances, in the US, for the majority of us, we have assimilated to celebrating Thanksgiving. Whether you see it as a day for giving thanks or a day that Pilgrims ravaged the populations of Native people, we all celebrate this day, whether by choice or association. And even if you are one of the people that do not observe this day, even being in a country where major functions of society are shut down to celebrate, you can be seen as an assimilationist from someone outside the country. 

    So where am I getting at here? As I am reading Stamped from the Beginning (SFTB), I am also having to come terms with my own assimilationist mindsets. Mindsets that, while they have helped me to survive up until this point, still feed into racist, sexist and classist ideals. For instances, let's talk college:

    I've always wondered why I didn't choose an HBCU when I was in college. Winston Salem State was right up the street from Salem, could have easily transferred. But I was afraid to do so. I was afraid of ridicule. I was afraid of being unsafe. I was afraid of every single negative notion that had been told to me. From one end, you have white society telling you that white colleges are better (you will get better scholarships, it will be a more diverse classroom, it will be more well-rounded). And then you also have Black people, both family and friends, that say that white schools are better than HBCUs (the facial light up of family and friends when I named an unknown college over an HBCU I would be attending was all the clarity that I needed). 

    So assimilationist ideas led me to the college I spent the next 4 years at. And even though I developed into the queer and awesome person I am today, those assimilationist ideas feed into overall racism. The "one has to be superior to the other" concept that we hold onto so dear. That to be seen as good, there must be a loser, a lesser than, that then has to be shown as negative. And once identified as negative, it must be corralled in some form. Controlled in some form. 

    I remember recently Kezia questioned my motives about why I didn't want to shop in a particular area. At the time, I was refusing to go to anything on Beatties Ford Road. I felt that I could get better service elsewhere and would drive further out to even pick up quick items from the store. At a certain point (we may have been trying to pick up food) and I was already frustrated that we were off of Beatties Ford again trying to do something that would (in my mind) inevitably end up with me being in a position where I wasn't being served. And Kezia, my own partner (bless them) questioned me and my already exacerbated emotions about being in this area. 

    And of course when she first questioned me, I was at first alarmed and upset that she would question my "Blackness". How could she question me about being prejudice? How could they even form their lips to say that to me? The big black queer librarian. And even when I saw a sliver of what Kezia meant in the car that day and apologized for my backlash, the comment still didn't sit well with me. 

But after reading SFTB, my assimilationist ideals is what brought Kezia and I to that discussion on Beatties Ford Road. I have been an assimilationist all my life. From the way Mom admonished my sister and I for how loudly we laughed to my sister and I having full on arguments about who was lighter skinned, I had been bathed in the ministries of assimilation. But just like any gospel, my parents taught me these ways, not out of hate or disregard for others, but out of a sense of safety and preservation, and for that I will always be indebted to them for getting me this far. 

But just like with many things we learn to be a fact as a child, they must be relearned in truth later in life. While my taught assimilationist mind had kept me "safe" in my younger years, it was "safe" in the sense of survival. Survival is a basic living right that is often snuffed out of people of color, particular in areas in which people of color are subjugated by oppressive rule. Surviving is the only thing that matters. And while in survival mode, you can't protect others until you protect yourself, if you get to the point in your life where survival is not the most immediate goal consistently. 

But now I can't unsee how my assimilationist ideas have contributed to sexist, racist and xenophobic ideals in the environments that I work and live. And I also see the many times in which my complicity to assimilation ideas have contributed to others disenfranchisement. How my siding with ideals created to uplift white supremacy have not only negatively impacted others, but also allowed me to continue to have a short sighted image of myself. If I am assimilating to something, that means that my true self is unworthy of respect and representation. Why would I inflict this mindset on others, let alone myself?

I think MOST people go about and into the world thinking they have good intentions. And those "good intentions" are based on a small percentage of people that you commune with. These communing people may have the same idea of what "good intentions" are. But those "good intentions" are idealistic without outside input. It would be like an organization wanting to collect toys for a group of kids for the holidays. But those kids are Jehovah Witnesses  and do not celebrate the holidays. To continue forward with your plans for a Holiday Toy giving with these kids would be grossly shortsighted and selfish. What of the parents who are teaching their children their religious doctrine? What of the kids, who may now be confused on where to take direction? Sure they will grow and and make decisions on their own, but is this a time to step in on the authority of the parent who are passing down doctrine that they hold in faith? I know unlikely scenario, but the situation of people needing to impress their ideals on others simply because they see others as less than is an old practice (particularly in the United States as I learned in SFTB).

This is not to negate that there are still just fucked up people in the world that DO have very intentional ill will towards others, people that they deem less than. Those people (while, I still have hope are in the minority) still exist and there is very little help for people that intentionally want to do harm to others.

But what do I do now? I've been operating with assimilationist ideas that have caused harm to others and myself. How do I change? How do I become antiracist? 

I don't have the answers. And even if I did, only the people that are antiracist or aspiring to become one would take any heed. 

WHAT?!?! Me racist?! No. I'm not racist. But I have aspired to, have been and still am a product of assimilation ideas.