For some reason it has been bugging me to do this. I don't know why. Maybe it's to say to myself that I'm still trying. Maybe, in some way, I feel obligated to the people that helped me along my librarianship life. Or maybe it's for the people being nosy.
But I'm doing a life update. If for nothing else, to note that I'm still existing, which I thought I wouldn't be if I left my job.
- I'm still writing: It hasn't been the easiest thing. Some days are a wash. No progress towards anything. But I'm still curious. I look at things differently. And because of this, I feel a lot more present in life. I didn't know how much of a no-participant in life I'd become.
- Failure, but not crippling: There have been many failures thus far. And I say failures, because when I compare it to what I think is expected of me, it's a failure. Failed career. Failed interviews. AND failed personal expectations. And even as I write these successions of failures, my heart starts to race with imaginings of failed futures. But it hasn't stopped me from trying, which in the past, failure meant moving on to the next project.
- Kezia and I are Kezia and I: I don't often talk about Kezia here. Maybe it's because I'm very protective of them and their privacy. But I am going to say this: I've been extremely humble by how they have been a partner to me since last year. I can honestly say that if the shoe had been on the other foot, in the ultra burnout state I was in, I wouldn't have been as graceful. And it may change because people change. They may decide that being with me is too much. And I wouldn't blame them and still be there for them. But I feel a lot closer to Kezia. We laugh a lot more often. I'm more open to exploring with them. I would be so shut off to them because I didn't have it in me to engage.
- Being the oldest: Getting older is a trip man. One day you are living your best life, having shots and staying up til 4am with work at 8am. And then BAM, a late bedtime is 10pm and a glass of moscato makes you pass out by 8pm. But it happens. You find that trips home are now involved projects and errands. Hospital visits more regular. The wellbeing of my parents have always been at the forefront. It was even a consideration to moving to Charlotte in the first place (the first being getting top surgery). And for once, I feel available. And it's not because I now have more flexible time. I could have easily made time for whatever my parents needed if I was still working at the library. But I didn't have the mental capacity to handle it. And no, working in a library isn't hard, but it can be energy consuming without support. And I was sinking a majority of my energy into going and just being within those four walls for 8 hours a day. I'm still processing why it was so draining to me and not others. That's another thing that I still feel failure about. But I know I'm getting better, the biggest example being that I can be there for my folks as they need me the most.
Ok, now that I've gotten past the reflection, let's get to the highlights:
-Medium.com community is pretty awesome: While it hasn't been the cash cow I dreamt it would be, Medium has been the first platform to pay me for my work. Granted, it's nothing to live off of, but it's growing. But the reason why I continue to build up my writing on this platform is because it's based on a community of writers in different fields. Some people are wanting to get published like I am, but some people use the platform to blog about their start up journeys, their tech or business expertise, or even their travel excursions. There are workshops that are geared towards how to write best on Medium, but really it's great advice for any writer in the digital age. I'm not trying to sell you, but it's hard to come by social media that doesn't make you feel like shit after 5 minutes of scrolling.
- I self-published: It's nothing big, or anything I'm making money off of right now, but I did self-publish on Kindle Direct Publishing. It took a bit of a learning curve, but it's super easy. I published these short stories under a pseudonym. Why? For a bit of anonymity. The short stories have a central theme of queer, black erotica. I'm happy about it. It's something I'm proud that I accomplished if nothing else. I'm working on the follow up as I develop more as a writer. I may go back and put my government on it, but I'm not ready yet. But I'm considering it, and there is only one reason why.
-Samuel R. Delany: I just finished Dahlgren. It blew my mind. It left me confused yet wanting to continue. The imagery described in the novel are not for the faint of heart. Even I squirmed a little during some erotic passages. But I think that was the intention of the author. It's really genius writing. And I can see why Dahlgren has its criticisms, but there are books that describe fake rape as if it were fact, so I take those criticisms very lightly.
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