Why Be Trans? (Part 1)

Through this journey of reading, writing and finding my own voice in writing, an unexpected question has repeatedly entered into my thoughts. 

Why are am I trans? 

For many the answer is simple: because I am. And this is a valid answer. A part of being trans is allowing the world to see you in a truer form than what societal standards allow. But for me (and speaking only for me. Transpeople aren't a monolith), being trans was a way for me to always stay grounded in my butch self. 

My butch self started materializing in college. I remember taking my first trip to the local Wal-Mart with my own money in my pocket. I left with a standard dyke getup: cargo shorts and a flannel zip-up. I felt like hot shit. 

Going to an all-women's college did nothing but boost my ego, something I was fortunate to experience. I could swagger across campus, dripping in masculine energy, and people would respond. Ladies would respond. All kinds of ladies. A reaction I never got as I was known for being shy and timid. I even got hit on by an alumnae (which was exciting and beyond my understanding at the time). My college years gave me hope that I could live in this dyke body longer than the 18 years I'd predicted back in high school. 

And then I graduated, and that queer bubble that was college broke to pieces. My masculine energy couldn't be seen anymore in the wider world outside of college. Based on my breast and hairless face, I was summed up and categorized in ways that I didn't understand nor deem appropriate for who I was. I was a dude. 

As I said before, being trans is just that. It is, period. But the physical actions of being trans were choices for me. Choices that were deemed necessary for survival, but choices. I could have continued to live a butch existence, but for how long? I didn't know the answer. I didn't know how long survival would last in this form I was presenting to the world. 

So I changed it. My name was the easiest since I'd changed it the first day in college, just short of being legal. Coming out as trans was a choice. Once again, a choice I made to survive. I knew from being butch, having some community would be essential to my survival. Telling family and friends about being trans was an attempt to deepen those relationships. And for some, this is exactly what happened. With others, the more I resonate with my trans being, the more the relationship deteriorates. 

A transdude uploading. Circa 2006

Taking T was THE option when I came out as trans. Non-binary or gender non-conforming were terms only spoken of in college classrooms at the time. At the time, being a transdude meant you took T. And even reflecting back on it now, gender non-conforming or non-binary still doesn't quite resonate with me. If the world was a genderless place, then maybe. But the reality, for me, is that it isn't. And to continue to survive in this world, taking T and starting my physical transition was me choosing to live. 

Top surgery was also a choice for me. It was both a financial and survival choice. I left my first real adult job to withdraw my 401(k) for top surgery. I made the reasoning that if I die early, I wouldn't be able to use those funds anyway. Why wait when survival is questioned? It still stands to be the best decision I made for myself (outside of marrying my best friend. I lucked out in that). 

And while the hysterectomy that followed 5 years later was a "this needs to happen to stop the pain" situation, this was also a choice for me. Women experience period pains way worse than what I was experiencing. But the pain in my pelvis was nagging, popped up unexpectedly during sex and dysphoric. Continuing with a period after being on T for close to 10 years at this point didn't seem sustainable to me. For some, this isn't the case. Men have periods, period, and will continue to do so. But for me, having the inkling notion that my period could come back if I stopped T made me go through with the procedure. Hell, I even mourned kids I would never have. But I wanted to survive more. 

Being trans and continuing with physical transitioning I've found has kept my butch identity near to my core, in spite of a binary world. Some may question if being trans was really a choice if your survival depended on it. Do we eat out of necessity and not choice? Do we not breathe out of necessity and not by choice? I wanted to continue to breathe so therefore, I'm trans.