I had a long conversation with my Dad last night. This is unusual. My Dad and I don't really communicate all that much. I haven't told my parents about my transition, but ever since I came out as being gay in college, conversation for each other has been limited. And it's been limited for me and my Mom too. It's like if it doesn't concern school or work, they don't care to ask about it. I do a lot more than school and work these days (at least I try to). School and work are only a portion of who and what I am involved in. And because they either are not interested/ don't care to know/ or are waiting for me to tell them, conversation with them both is limited. Anyway, after listening to my Dad talk to me and the way he thinks of me now (his baby girl) and how much his world is going to change when I come out as Trans. I think about his mental stability and how I may affect whether or not he may teeter back and forth of being mentally stable and off kilter. I think about their reactions. About how they will react. Will they act as if I don't exist? Will they work with me and love me through this? Will they yell and scream and cry? Will they wonder if it's their fault?
But then I wonder where my parents emotions end and where mines begins? I wonder if I am willing to go back into the closet for them and their feelings? Am I willing to stop my progress thus far for them? Do I fee(l a certain obligation to them? Should I feel an obligation to them? To put it simply, my emotional and mental stability is way more important. No body has my experience but me. And as much as I love my parents and care very deeply what they think of me, they can't be the reason I stop my transition. I feel like, if you are influenced by outside people to act on an action, you will most likely end up resenting them. I don't want to resent my parents, even if they eventually resent me because of my transition. I don't want to wake up one day, my parents have left this earth with our relationship mangled and I am still feeling like I should have listened to my inner self.
I'm really trying to practice some self care. And this doesn't not mean just staying over here to myself. I at least want to attempt to communicate to them what I am feeling. I want them to see a glimpse of my experience so maybe they may understand. I don't want them to be gone and I didn't not attempt to tell them about my true self. Even though I am afraid of their reactions, those are their feelings and I have to let them have their feelings. I can't change their feelings. I can't stop living either. I hope God's will be done in this situation. In šāʾ Allāh (God willing in Arabic).
I just don't know where to start.
This is going to be a long road ahead.
But then I wonder where my parents emotions end and where mines begins? I wonder if I am willing to go back into the closet for them and their feelings? Am I willing to stop my progress thus far for them? Do I fee(l a certain obligation to them? Should I feel an obligation to them? To put it simply, my emotional and mental stability is way more important. No body has my experience but me. And as much as I love my parents and care very deeply what they think of me, they can't be the reason I stop my transition. I feel like, if you are influenced by outside people to act on an action, you will most likely end up resenting them. I don't want to resent my parents, even if they eventually resent me because of my transition. I don't want to wake up one day, my parents have left this earth with our relationship mangled and I am still feeling like I should have listened to my inner self.
I'm really trying to practice some self care. And this doesn't not mean just staying over here to myself. I at least want to attempt to communicate to them what I am feeling. I want them to see a glimpse of my experience so maybe they may understand. I don't want them to be gone and I didn't not attempt to tell them about my true self. Even though I am afraid of their reactions, those are their feelings and I have to let them have their feelings. I can't change their feelings. I can't stop living either. I hope God's will be done in this situation. In šāʾ Allāh (God willing in Arabic).
I just don't know where to start.
This is going to be a long road ahead.
I am sure that it will be a lot to digest to learn that the "little girl" that you have given birth to now wants to identify as a man. This is coming from the "mommy" part of me...
ReplyDeleteI have heard people say "its like mourning the death of a child" and I am assuming thats the cause behind the reaction that parents give after the prior announcement.
I say...
Life is too short not to be who you are and that you have to always be true to yourself no matter the situation. Sometimes thats easier said than done, but SOOOO much peace can come from being honest with yourself.
Take it one day at a time...
There are plenty of people that love you and will be in your corner along the way.
Bless!
P.S. Keep writing! I love to read the blog!!!!!
Maya
ReplyDeleteI have heard of parents feeling as if they are mourning their child's death when they come out as being trans. I had forgotten that I had read that. Thanks for the reminder.
I agree that life is too short to be boxed into someone that I am not. While I am hoping to reconcile with my family eventually, I am very blessed with chosen family that have and will see me through this. Thanks for the love Maya :)