I quit my job :)

     It finally happened. It was inevitable. Ticking time bomb even. I quit my job at the library I honestly thought I was going to grow old in. But even with the best intentions and best ideals, sometimes the shit is just too bad to continue. And it was just bad all around for me. I can't speak for anyone else. I don't have their perspective. But for me, I was seeing a preview of my life if I continued at the library the day I quit. I was becoming drained. Some people may term this burnout, but it felt like more than that. It felt like I was falling into myself.  To the point that I no longer wanted to interact with the world because doing that at the library was enough. 

    I quit with no plan (which wasn't the plan). I quit with no prospects of a new job (which was definitely not part of the plan). And I quit while we are all still going through a pandemic (which, did any of us intended the pandemic to be as impactful as it has been? Biggest gag of the 21st century). Nothing went according to plan. I had simply had enough and I left. 

    And what I had had enough of I'm still trying to parse out. Was it the lady that was yelling at me at the front desk that day? No, I don't think so. I was tapped too hard/ slapped on the face on the last day at Forsyth by a patron with mental health issues and never once felt a need to leave before the end of the day. Was it because of the past year? Maybe. I don't think anyone would blame me for just going through some mental break after the year we've all had. The public library landscape will be forever changed due to the pandemic. The needs of the community have changed and folks have either adjusted and seek other resources outside of the scope of the public library or seek other ways to obtain resources once sought at the library. Is my role even necessary anymore?  No matter the reasoning, I couldn't take working there any longer. 

    I'm scared. Hell yeah I'm scared. But I was also scared of quitting the library, feeling as if I was retiring from librarianship. But the sense of doom and immobility has lessened since quitting. It hasn't subsided, but lessened. Though I'm still mentally recouping, I no longer feel like I will Never have anything to give again. Just in this moment I'm down, but I don't feel as defeated as I did before. I also don't feel like I am retiring from librarianship. I will always be a librarian. I have the fancy piece of paper that says that I am. I just don't think I will be working in libraries any time soon, if ever. But I also feel like I'm picking one fear over another (fear of continuing the library for fear of the unknowns of what's to come next) and operating in fear is not the place I want or need to be in. I tend to make moves out of desperation when fear is in the equation. 

    And I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm not a bad person. Some people would look into the library and wonder why you would ever leave? It's so great here. You get to decorate cool stuff. You interact with babies. What was so wrong? And maybe I will look back on this time and wonder why I left too. But I do know that over the past year, I've been extremely unhappy and a lot of it was because I felt mentally stuck at the library. And while it had to take an instance of me feeling like my mental and physical well-being were in jeopardy to push me towards walking out, I know that this has been a long time coming and I should have listen to myself before now. Yelling patrons is any other day at any active public library. 

    I think it is because I love the library with a sense of nostalgia. Like an amusement park. Yes, it's great for everyone enjoying the facility, but what about that guy in his 9th hour of being the suited, sweating mascot? And not to say I was ever outside for 9 hours as a mascot, but the magic was gone for me. And it's hard to convince others of the magic when you don't believe it yourself. I didn't want to hate the library. Either way, regardless of how I see myself later, I know that I've never felt compelled to walk off the job until now. 

    After walking off the job and going home, crying in my car for half an hour and coming to grips with the reality of my actions, I think I am most heartbroken that I will miss the people of the library. And honestly the people of the library is what has always kept me within public libraries. People seeking information or a new experience. Those are the people that I love interacting with and assisting. But it felt like everything was fighting against these interactions. And when I would have these interactions, I felt less and less capable of assisting in the way that was needed. 

    And I won't make the library the bad guy in this situation. I love the library. But the library, as a entire entity, from public to private to specialized foundations, are all under supported with excellent staff willing to innovate. And with changing landscape of libraries since the pandemic, relying and supporting innovative staff is the job of the administrators of these organizations. But everyone has a breaking point, and after 10+ years of working professionally in libraries of varying capacities, I am done. I think many people love the library, but would never work in one of them for whatever reason. I guess I'm one of those people now. 

    But one thing I do know is that I am pretty proud of myself in spite of all the mixed emotions I'm having to sort through. I'm proud because this was something that I was saying that I was going to do. I knew I wasn't happy in my position, but I also knew that I could have stayed if I wanted to. But I'm proud that I recognized something within myself that said take up your bookbag and sweater (very biblical style) and get out of there and I listened. 

    I often think that instinct, gut feelings, whatever you want to call it,  is the Universe trying to tell us something. But because it's not some grandiose face out of the sky speaking directly to us, we ignore it. The Universe, I realize now, doesn't have time for that. And it will be another year before you get another reminder of what you felt the year past. Because to the Universe, that year was just a blink of an eye and the Universe is still wondering why you haven't moved. The Universe gives fair warning considering. 

    But I moved. And while I don't know what direction I'm going in currently, I feel pretty confident it will come. 

    PS. If you decide to quit your job and have particularly curious parents, tell them first. Just get it out the way. Or they will visit your former place of employment and learn about your now infamous job quitting by a former co-worker.