It's been a year since resigning from the library. It nearly took me that long to get it to stick that I resigned and didn't quit. It may not have been pretty or what is deemed "professional", but I'm better for it.
I miss the library, but I don't miss how working at the library made me feel. I think of program ideas and different ways of serving library members all the time. Testing TikTok hacks. Tutorials on Kindle Direct Publishing. Resume Writing in a Gig Economy. I don't know when I will stop mentally formulating potential library programs. Maybe it will come to some use later. Who knows.
But there is still apparent hurt there. I nearly had a panic attack voting because it was at a local library. I couldn't brave my old library which is much closer. I'm embarrassed I didn't leave more on my terms. My co-workers deserved that. But sometimes what is needed can't be done the "right way". I still feel guilty, leaving my co-workers and putting financial strain on Kezia. But every time I think about how I felt towards the end of a library day, I couldn't go back.
But this year of reflection has been humbling. Not humbling in the way that evangelical pastors tell their congregation to humble themselves. But humbling in a surrendering way. And I don't mean to throw around religious verbiage. But I had to really give up what I thought I knew to be true. I'm a librarian so naturally, I thought I knew it all. It's hard not to think that. People come to you everyday with questions that they have deemed you the authority everyday as a librarian. It's hard not to fall into a know it all fallacy. But this past year I've learned that while I know very little, I'm still capable of building out a life that suits my and Kezia's needs. I love seeing Kezia throughout the day as we work. I love playing with Buddy at lunch time. Not giving that up any time soon.
Speaking of building a life, the most noticeable change over the past year has been how much more conscious I am. Not conscious in an awareness kind of way, but conscious in the way way of waking up from 10 years of sleep. Waking up and realizing you have needs that have been negelectic for some time now. I thought I was fine. Being trans I thought the therapy and physical and mental check ups were enough. But a lot of my therapy and physical health care has been geared towards my transition. And it's a big part that needs a large amount of focus, but it isn't the only part of me. I thought that as long as I was surviving being trans, I should be ok mentally everywhere else. But trans people deserve more than just survival. I deserve more than just survival.
And while I no longer feel like I'm mentally drowning, the survival aspect has shifted from mental survival to financial survival. I continue to dream about what our lives would be like right now with two full incomes, but the long term of staying where I was a year ago makes me focus on what's ahead. And what's ahead doesn't look too bad. Getting an article published for pay and becoming a Reader/Evaluator for standardized test essays has allowed me to make some income and continue to write. This is all recent, within the last 2 months and only temporary. No more tests, no more work. And if I stop pitching, that money will dry up too. But last week, from a combination of an article submission and a Reader/ Evaluator paycheck, I earned one a paycheck that looked similar to payday at the library. The only difference was that I still had energy to pursue other projects and have a life. I didn't feel out of my mind. I can continue this route.
Just a side note on the Reader/Evaluator gig: Reading responses of these kids, I couldn't help but see myself in their writing. I had terrible reading comprehension as a kid. Writing anything of length with coherence didn't come until college. It wasn't until I started writing creatively that I realized that I could take my interest and apply it to constructive research and opinion pieces. You can see a kid is trying to get something really great out, but they just don't know how to yet. The ideas are there. But the criteria for success in standardized testing is so fucking narrow. And the further away from the standard a response is, the further it gets muted. I found myself skimming over responses that didn't look the part for particular criteria. You can tell some of the kids hate doing the test. I hope it doesn't ruin written word for them. Recalling the unexplained amount of failure I felt getting back test results made me feel 10 all over again. Vague explanations of test results reinforced how sub-par I felt.
But watch out, people. We have some creative minds coming down the generational pipeline. From thoughtful insight to clever attempts to jerry-gig results, these kids are a force. There's no telling what the world will look like when they start making adult lives of their own, but after reading hundreds of responses, we need to be worried about keeping up now.
But overall, this year has been a time of reconnection. I've missed out on a lot this past decade. Missed events and connections. Special events and occasions. My cousin graduated from my alma mater this month. It took me going to the graduation to realize it was only an hour from Charlotte. I was only an hour away and this is the first time I've come up for a visit. I have excuses I could share, but it still doesn't stop life from happening. Life comes at you fast when you aren't paying attention to it.
I never thought I would be coming back to Salem to see blood-family graduate. Salem was such a bubble, separate of everything I'd known growing up. It's where I was first queer. It was where I first realized what being Black meant outside of the protection of parents. I found who I was in the bubble that is Salem. But when that bubble burst, exposed to the reality of post-graduate life, I gave up trying to make a place for myself in the world. Now that I am working my way back to that place of exploration and expanding the possibilities of what it means to live, I hope that my cousin never loses it. That she knows that her place in the world is just waiting for her to take it. I hope she keeps looking for that place. It's there waiting for her.
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