Neo Sol Librarian

 Anyone else living in a fear ridden state of mind? I know I am. I mean, being black and trans, safety is always at the forefront of my mind. People are crazy and folks should really protect their personhood either way, but especially their physical selves. Can't be putting your energy to everything and everyone. Anyway, while reminders of safety are always present for me, lately it's been skating on fear, which is really different from safety.  Safety implies that I know what the dangers are and have a plan for these dangers. Fear is raw emotion that can be irrational, at times. But unfortunately, I don't see my fear as irrational and not a doctor could tell me differently. Fear of being gunned down in the street by rabid police is real. Fear of not coming home due to people in power not seeing your personhood as worthwhile and unworthy of being found.  And when you look out into the world to see if there is anything that can give you any symbolism of inspiration and hop...

I'm not saying that I don't get sad. I get sad all the time actually. What I mean is that, often times, when I am seeking to see other trans folks, specifically trans people of color, I am met with narratives of resilience, hardship, strife, heartache, and rejection. These stories need to be told. No one else is going to do it, and when queer narratives are told from outside sources, they water-down versions of the real thing. And while these stories need to be told, what about stories for trans people? I understand. The true narrative of trans people need to be told. They need to be remembered and retold again. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I guess I get a lot of the bad and ugly. And no, I'm not critiquing anyone person's writing. I mean really, who the fuck am I?? But I am saying that the popular narrative that is told of trans people is the bullshit that we have to overcome to just be ourselves. And that is great. But aren't these stories for people that are ...

Note: I think when I'm saying societal norms, I really mean gender norms. But I'm posting as is because, you know, learning. Societal norms...I think I think about them more than the average person. Maybe I'm wrong. But as a transman, I'm forever having to think about societal norms. Most of it is really for my own safety (can't be too gay everywhere). Especially at work when I am immediately perceived as just one thing (a Black man) and am expected to act accordingly. And if I don't act accordingly, everything from rejection to an altercation can happen. Only when I think about the expectations that the public has of me simply based off my outward appearance does it become maddening. Some times, I find myself not saying much because of lack of what to say or how to react. Like car maintenance talk. If it doesn't involve deciding between high mileage oil changes and regular, I'm not that much of a conversationalist (I'm not even sure if I descri...

So the other day, I was walking my dog just like every other day. Here's Buddy. He's a cutie right? (Mine is in the front view. That other thing in the back, I don't recognize. KIDDING! It's my sister's dog, Max) Ok, walking the dog, going about my business. Got my headphones in, listening to Yvie Oddly's Giggin . You know, getting my morning blood flowing with my dog, right? Out the corner of my eye, I see something moving, quickly. As I turn my head, this very happy ecstatic Pit Bull, obviously off the leash, comes bounding towards us. My first instinct was to pick up my dog, so I did. My second thought is that this dog is going to get hit being out in morning traffic in Charlotte. So as I'm thinking this, I have my dog under my arm. And Buddy under normal circumstances is still a considerable heft and weight. But there is a dog in the picture. And of course at this point, I'm now yelling out "GO HOME! GO HOME!"  to the loose pit, atte...

I've been figuring out what is my own way of resisting. I honestly wanted to be at a rally. My Mom kept my sister and I at marching rallies as kids. Most of them were for making Martin Luther King Jr. a national holiday (yeah. Let that soak in like slow rain. I'm 31). Never anything to the magnitude of what we are seeing today. But there is a sense of community that is not felt throughout the everyday life of Black people that you feel at a rally. Everyone, hundreds of people, are there for the same reason. It's a feeling that I think white people feel all the time, but take for granted. People of color always walk in the room expecting to be othered. But at a rally, everyone who is not there for the purpose of said rally, they are othered. And not only are they othered, you have reasoning and support in the outsiders othering. Because you have a slew of people crying out saying Yes, I see your experience and I too have the same experience, and it won't be ignored.  ...

Been needing this GIF for so many reasons lately. And it's hilarious. via GIPHY

I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything. I'm not going to wallow. I refuse to worry. And I will continue to resist so that I may live. And I'm going to live so loud today that I'm going to hype my own damn self up: I am a Black transman of Southern background. My parents know that I am trans. They don't understand, but they know and we still talk and have good times together.  My Grandma is 89 years old and thinks that I am smart and uses the correct pronouns when addressing me. My sister hung up on me when I told her that I told her that I was transitioning 9 years ago. She said that I would always be her sister and hung up. She called back 5 minutes later in tears saying that she was sorry. It's been Big Bro ever since. I stand on the shoulders of bootleggers, bail bonds professionals, teachers, ministers, dope dealers, alcoholics and the wayward. And that is just my immediate family.  Because I am a Black transman, my extended family is great as wel...